Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
