if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
