Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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