I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need to sanitize my soul.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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