last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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