I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
