What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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