She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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