Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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