you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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