i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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