Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
