There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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