Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
