Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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