you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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