i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
