im six kinds of drunk right now
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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