Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
