Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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