You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
