dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
