glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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