I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
