I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
