oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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