I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
