I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
and she was petting her beer can
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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