i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
