he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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