I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
