You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
