Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
