dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
