This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
