I faked an abortion last night.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
