this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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