I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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