My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize