And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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