i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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