Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
