Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
