I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I wish there were birth control emojis
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
