I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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