It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
