If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
