my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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