He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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