woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
