I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
