No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
