Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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