I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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