I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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