Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
