I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
