From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
