i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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