we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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