The maid of honor just puked.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
