I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
