Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize