I think im going to throw up on grandma
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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