I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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