I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
