I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
