Dude my mom stole all your condoms
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wish there were birth control emojis
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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