Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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