Apparently you make a good broom.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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