You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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