I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
