Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
